I thought I was doing ok with my emotions surrounding infertility. I found out today that I was just lying to my self. I had 11 days off of work and so I wasn't subjected to pregnant women or babies for a while. I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe this time would be the charm. I have spent two years thinking those same words. Maybe this time, maybe next time. Maybe the next treatment will be what we need to get pregnant. Sometimes I think its all a lie. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I just want to be normal. I just want to get pregnant on our own. I want to take that test and see "pregnant" and keep it our secret for a long time. I want to hear the heartbeat on ultrasound. I want to feel the baby moving inside of me. Why do others get to and I don't?
What's bringing all this up now? I found out today that a good friend is pregnant. I am happy for her that the first month they tried, it worked. But I'm jealous. I want that to be me. It hurts that its not. I spent most of the day trying not to cry. It's not her fault. She's only feeling what she should and expressing it. but why doesn't it have to be to me? There are so many other people around that are pregnant that I feel like I get slapped in the face on a daily basis. On the outside I just smile and go on with my day, while on the inside I'm dying. It's just like someone is telling me that I'm doing something wrong or that this isn't what I'm supposed to be working toward.
I know that this isn't what I should be thinking going into the end of this cycle. But this is what it is. This is the face of infertility. It's not all roses and happiness and I promised that I would share this part of it too. I'm sorry if this upsets people, but this is where I'm at today.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Cautious Optimism
It's been two weeks since my last appointment. Since that appointment I have continued to take the Lupron everyday. I have an alarm set on my phone to go off every day at 7:30 am so that I remember and am consistent about when I give myself the shot. Unfortunately sometimes other things get in the way. Twice I have turned my alarm off and continued on about my work ( I was at work both times). Once I remembered at 9:00 am and the other not until 12:00. Lucky for me it doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Once again Dr. Moretuzzo had a resident with him. This one was timid :). She attempted to do the ultrasound, but she didn't put the wand in far enough. Dr. Moretuzzo took over and walked her through it. The lining of my uterus is paper thin and both ovaries are doing what they should be doing- NOTHING! I still had to get my estrogen drawn. Dr. Moretuzzo told me that he really didn't care what the level was since he didn't see any cysts. So back into the waiting room I went. I got my blood drawn and then talked to Michelle, the IVF nurse. Michelle sets my cycles on paper and tells me what happens next. I had to wait a few minutes to talk to her. She told me that she had most of it figured out she just wanted to wait and make sure that everything was a go before she gave it to me. Smart woman! I would have waited too since nothing ever goes as planned for me.
Now then next step.... tomorrow I take 10 units of Lupron. Wednesday I drop to 5 units of Lupron. Wednesday I also start estrogen patches. It's a ramping up schedule. By this I mean Wednesday I put on one patch and wear it for two days. On Friday I take that patch off and put on two patches. On Sunday I take those two patches off and put on four patches. Then every other day I change out the four patches. On Wednesday I also start taking the extra folic acid and my baby aspirin again. Wednesday also starts vaginal estrogen. This is different from last time. Last cycle I orally took the estrogen. This cycle I take the little blue pill, put it on my finger, and insert it vaginally. I have been warned to wear a pantyliner since I'll have some blue discharge. Fun huh? The things we do for babies! Next appointment is July 22 to check estrogen level and uterine lining. If everything is good at that visit embryo transfer is scheduled for July 29th.
This cycle is a lot less stressful so far. It may help that it's just Nick and I. My stepson is spending the summer and starting the school year with Nick's mom and dad. Most of you know our troubles with Dakota and I won't go into them except to say that I don't feel like I have to get away all them time now. I also don't have the pressure of my growing ovaries nor do I feel as tired this time. It probably helps that I am currently on vacation! I am enjoying my time off and excited that we are going back to Fort Wayne tomorrow for a few days. We will be celebrating two birthdays, Nick and my dad and get to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law. Yeah, family time!
Once again Dr. Moretuzzo had a resident with him. This one was timid :). She attempted to do the ultrasound, but she didn't put the wand in far enough. Dr. Moretuzzo took over and walked her through it. The lining of my uterus is paper thin and both ovaries are doing what they should be doing- NOTHING! I still had to get my estrogen drawn. Dr. Moretuzzo told me that he really didn't care what the level was since he didn't see any cysts. So back into the waiting room I went. I got my blood drawn and then talked to Michelle, the IVF nurse. Michelle sets my cycles on paper and tells me what happens next. I had to wait a few minutes to talk to her. She told me that she had most of it figured out she just wanted to wait and make sure that everything was a go before she gave it to me. Smart woman! I would have waited too since nothing ever goes as planned for me.
Now then next step.... tomorrow I take 10 units of Lupron. Wednesday I drop to 5 units of Lupron. Wednesday I also start estrogen patches. It's a ramping up schedule. By this I mean Wednesday I put on one patch and wear it for two days. On Friday I take that patch off and put on two patches. On Sunday I take those two patches off and put on four patches. Then every other day I change out the four patches. On Wednesday I also start taking the extra folic acid and my baby aspirin again. Wednesday also starts vaginal estrogen. This is different from last time. Last cycle I orally took the estrogen. This cycle I take the little blue pill, put it on my finger, and insert it vaginally. I have been warned to wear a pantyliner since I'll have some blue discharge. Fun huh? The things we do for babies! Next appointment is July 22 to check estrogen level and uterine lining. If everything is good at that visit embryo transfer is scheduled for July 29th.
This cycle is a lot less stressful so far. It may help that it's just Nick and I. My stepson is spending the summer and starting the school year with Nick's mom and dad. Most of you know our troubles with Dakota and I won't go into them except to say that I don't feel like I have to get away all them time now. I also don't have the pressure of my growing ovaries nor do I feel as tired this time. It probably helps that I am currently on vacation! I am enjoying my time off and excited that we are going back to Fort Wayne tomorrow for a few days. We will be celebrating two birthdays, Nick and my dad and get to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law. Yeah, family time!
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