Baby back...

Bare with me as I write this post. I am writing on my iPad since the computer is currently hooked up to the television so that we can stream movies while I'm on "bed rest."  What's up next? The first Star Trek movie. We've already watched "Thor."

Today we  got our babies back ;). Hence the title!  Our appointment was scheduled for 12 o'clock. We got there at 11:45. Prior to us showing up the embryologists had taken the two embryos that we had frozen from the last cycle from the freezer. When the the embryos are frozen the are flash frozen in a ten minute process.  When they take them out to transfer they reverse the process. They are put into some warm mediums and the embryos expand back to their original shape. Sometimes the embryos do not survive the thaw.  Both of ours did!  This time they transferred two grade B embryos. One was already hatching out of its shell. To do the transfer they use ultrasound and a long catheter. The catheter goes up towards the top to the uterus and the embryos are dropped there. They use the ultrasound to make sure they are in the right place. They were.

So I've been sitting on the couch since we got home at 1 o'clock.  Nick has pretty much been waiting on me hand and foot. I've only been up to go to the bathroom. It's supposed to continue like this for the next two days.  Nick goes out of town tomorrow evening, so we cooked some meals a head of time and all I have to do is heat them up.  I have plenty of continuing education things I have to do and I'm going to undo some hand quilting on own of my bigger quilts. Plenty to do while I sit on my butt! A friend is going to come three times a day to take Marley outside and feed the cats.

And now the long wait begins... We will find out Wednesday August 7th if this round worked. I'm praying for my little miracles...

All about the estrogen

Yesterday's office visit consisted of an ultrasound and blood draw. They drew my blood for an estrogen level to see where its at since I am currently on vaginal estrogen and estrogen patches. For once my blood was draw prior to the ultrasound. I don't much care in which order it is done, however I think I like this way better. They don't usually tell me my estrogen level because it really doesn't matter at this point as long as it's doing its job. Which, thankfully, it is! However this visit I wanted to know what it was since I've been pretty nauseous which can be a side effect of high dose estrogen. My level was 300! Normal levels are below 50. Guess that explains why I've been so nauseous. The bouts come and go, but it's oh so fun when they are coupled with a hot flash!

The other part of this visit was to check for my uterine lining. Since this is not a natural cycle the lining of the uterus doesn't get thicker without help. The lining has to get thicker so that the embryo has something to attach to. When they do the ultrasound they look for how thick the lining is. At this point they want it anywhere from 8-12mm. Mine is at 8.42mm.  Right where it needs to be.

So now medications switch gear. My uterus is close to being ready to accept an embryo, so now we need to gear it toward keeping it. So this morning was my last dose of the Lupron. Tonight will be my last dose of vaginal estrogen. I will continue 4 estrogen patches until Friday when they will go down to two. Tomorrow starts doxycycline. The doxycycline is to treat a bacteria called mycoplasma bacteria that can prevent pregnancy. I have to take two pills a day for 5 days. Medrol tablets also start again for 4 nights.

Tomorrow also starts the progesterone shots again. This time the shots are 2 ml instead of 1 ml. Should be fun for those who have to give me the shot. Progesterone is thick and has to be given intramuscular  in my backside. So either Nick or my coworkers have to give me the shot since I take it in the morning. Once again I thank all of my coworkers who have to see my backside and/or give me my shots. I look forward to the facial flush afterward :)

It's a good think I have this all written down for me. Emotionally things have been ok. I am taking things one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I was talking to a friend today and she reminded me that no one will ever truly know what we are going through unless they've gone through it themselves. I would never wish this process on anyone else, but sometimes I wish there was someone who truly understands our side of this process. Everyone's process is different so I am sure there are people who can commiserate with our process. I don't want pity, I want understanding.

Anyway, the next step is the transfer of the embryos. Monday July 29th they will thaw the two embryos that we had frozen from the last cycle and sometime later that day we will have them transferred back into my uterus. There is a chance that one or both of the embryos won't survive the transfer. A chance that we have to take.  After the transfer I will be on bed rest for three days. I'll blog more next week.

Private Pain

I thought I was doing ok with my emotions surrounding infertility. I found out today that I was just lying to my self. I had 11 days off of work and so I wasn't subjected to pregnant women or babies for a while. I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe this time would be the charm. I have spent two years thinking those same words. Maybe this time, maybe next time. Maybe the next treatment will be what we need to get pregnant. Sometimes I think its all a lie. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I just want to be normal. I just want to get pregnant on our own. I want to take that test and see "pregnant" and keep it our secret for a long time. I want to hear the heartbeat on ultrasound. I want to feel the baby moving inside of me. Why do others get to and I don't?

What's bringing all this up now? I found out today that a good friend is pregnant. I am happy for her that the first month they tried, it worked. But I'm jealous. I want that to be me. It hurts that its not. I spent most of the day trying not to cry. It's not her fault. She's only feeling what she should and expressing it. but why doesn't it have to be to me? There are so many other people around that are pregnant that I feel like I get slapped in the face on a daily basis. On the outside I just smile and go on with my day, while on the inside I'm dying. It's just like someone is telling me that I'm doing something wrong or that this isn't what I'm supposed to be working toward.

I know that this isn't what I should be thinking going into the end of this cycle. But this is what it is. This is the face of infertility. It's not all roses and happiness and I promised that I would share this part of it too. I'm sorry if this upsets people, but this is where I'm at today.

Cautious Optimism

It's been two weeks since my last appointment. Since that appointment I have continued to take the Lupron everyday. I have an alarm set on my phone to go off every day at 7:30 am so that I remember and am consistent about when I give myself the shot. Unfortunately sometimes other things get in the way. Twice I have turned my alarm off and continued on about my work ( I was at work both times). Once I remembered at 9:00 am and the other not until 12:00. Lucky for me it doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Once again Dr. Moretuzzo had a resident with him. This one was timid :). She attempted to do the ultrasound, but she didn't put the wand in far enough. Dr. Moretuzzo took over and walked her through it. The lining of my uterus is paper thin and both ovaries are doing what they should be doing- NOTHING! I still had to get my estrogen drawn. Dr. Moretuzzo told me that he really didn't care what the level was since he didn't see any cysts. So back into the waiting room I went. I got my blood drawn and then talked to Michelle, the IVF nurse. Michelle sets my cycles on paper and tells me what happens next. I had to wait a few minutes to talk to her. She told me that she had most of it figured out she just wanted to wait and make sure that everything was a go before she gave it to me. Smart woman!  I would have waited too since nothing ever goes as planned for me.

Now then next step.... tomorrow I take 10 units of Lupron. Wednesday I drop to 5 units of Lupron. Wednesday I also start estrogen patches. It's a ramping up schedule. By this I mean Wednesday I put on one patch and wear it for two days. On Friday I take that patch off and put on two patches. On Sunday I take those two patches off and put on four patches. Then every other day I change out the four patches. On Wednesday I also start taking the extra folic acid and my baby aspirin again. Wednesday also starts vaginal estrogen. This is different from last time. Last cycle I orally took the estrogen. This cycle I take the little blue pill, put it on my finger, and insert it vaginally. I have been warned to wear a pantyliner since I'll have some blue discharge. Fun huh?  The things we do for babies!  Next appointment is July 22 to check estrogen level and uterine lining. If everything is good at that visit embryo transfer is scheduled for July 29th.

This cycle is a lot less stressful so far. It may help that it's just Nick and I. My stepson is spending the summer and starting the school year with Nick's mom and dad. Most of you know our troubles with Dakota and I won't go into them except to say that I don't feel like I have to get away all them time now. I also don't have the pressure of my growing ovaries nor do I feel as tired this time. It probably helps that I am currently on vacation! I am enjoying my time off and excited that we are going back to Fort Wayne tomorrow for a few days. We will be celebrating two birthdays, Nick and my dad and get to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law. Yeah, family time!