Private Pain

I thought I was doing ok with my emotions surrounding infertility. I found out today that I was just lying to my self. I had 11 days off of work and so I wasn't subjected to pregnant women or babies for a while. I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe this time would be the charm. I have spent two years thinking those same words. Maybe this time, maybe next time. Maybe the next treatment will be what we need to get pregnant. Sometimes I think its all a lie. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I just want to be normal. I just want to get pregnant on our own. I want to take that test and see "pregnant" and keep it our secret for a long time. I want to hear the heartbeat on ultrasound. I want to feel the baby moving inside of me. Why do others get to and I don't?

What's bringing all this up now? I found out today that a good friend is pregnant. I am happy for her that the first month they tried, it worked. But I'm jealous. I want that to be me. It hurts that its not. I spent most of the day trying not to cry. It's not her fault. She's only feeling what she should and expressing it. but why doesn't it have to be to me? There are so many other people around that are pregnant that I feel like I get slapped in the face on a daily basis. On the outside I just smile and go on with my day, while on the inside I'm dying. It's just like someone is telling me that I'm doing something wrong or that this isn't what I'm supposed to be working toward.

I know that this isn't what I should be thinking going into the end of this cycle. But this is what it is. This is the face of infertility. It's not all roses and happiness and I promised that I would share this part of it too. I'm sorry if this upsets people, but this is where I'm at today.