Tornadoes

Grief is like a tornado. It comes when you least expect it. The day after we found out that we weren't pregnant I had to work. Nothing like a punch to the gut. Everyone around me was happy and going on about their days and I'm sitting there trying not to burst into tears. I knew I wasn't my self, but I had to get through the day. Of course those who read this blog where asking how I was doing and I appreciated all of their thoughts and prayers. In hind sight I probably should have taken the day off. Like I said, grief is something that shows up in the things that you aren't expecting. I would listen to people talk about their pregnancies or the names they've picked out for their babies and think why isn't that me? Why can't I join in those conversations?

Prior to finding out that we weren't pregnant Nick and I talked about what if... what if we weren't pregnant? Would we keep going? A frozen cycle would be next. We had decided that we would continue on and do a frozen cycle and use the two embryos that we had frozen after the first cycle. So when the IVF nurse called to tell us we failed we let her know that was what we wanted to do. We scheduled an appointment for June 3rd. We were under the impression that this appointment was going to tell us what we needed to do to move on. By the time this appointment came around I was starting to move on and look forward. I knew the first cycle didn't work and was looking forward to finding out what was next. Boy were we wrong!

We walked into the appointment and sat down in Dr. Moretuzzo's office and he started going back through the cycle step by step. I burst into tears. He preceded to tell us how many eggs we harvested, how many fertilized, how many were good, how many were transferred and how many were frozen. I knew all of this! Why did we have to go through all of this again?? One of the last things that was said in this meeting was that we may need to look at "lifestyle choices" for the reason why the embryos didn't implant. For those of you that know me personally know that I have struggled with my weight most of my teen and adult life. I have done every diet plan known to man. I would lose weight, but could never keep it off. At one point I did a medical liquid diet. Again lost weight, but couldn't keep it off. Back in September 2011 when we met with my OB before we started this infertility journey, we asked whether it would be better to look at a surgical weight loss option before doing IUI or IVF. We were told to go the infertility route first and then look into the surgical weight loss options after we were done having children. I was told that if we did the surgery first we would have to wait until I was fully recovered to start this process and by then my age would become a factor. That was the last time my weight was brought up. Until now.

There was no information about the frozen cycle in that meeting. We were told to go out into the waiting room and the IVF nurse would come and get us and talk to us. I was still crying. The nurse came out and told us that the IVF nurse would call us and let us know what was going on. We didn't get a phone call for two days. When we finally got that phone call it was to set up the transfer date. This time they set the date for the transfer and then work backward. There is a lot more to this cycle than I thought there would be. For that reason I am going to try to post each step as it happens. Once I got my period after stopping the progesterone shots from the last cycle I started birth control again. Last Friday I started Lupron. Lupron is measured in units and is given in shot form. I was started on 10 units a day. I give myself a shot every morning around 7:30 am. I will take my last birth control pill on Tuesday the 18th. Since I started the Lupron I have started spotting. I have been assured that this is par for the course.

As far as the weight issue goes, Nick and I started on some extra vitamins and protein shakes. I am also keeping track of the calories and exercise that I do every every day. So far I have lost 4 pounds. A long way from where I need to be so currently the plan is that we will do this frozen cycle and if it doesn't work we are planning on doing a harvesting only cycle. We will have them fertilize whatever eggs they harvest and then freeze the good ones.  We are not going to have them implant anything with that cycle. Then we are going to look at our surgical weight loss options. This way my eggs will be younger even if I'm not :). As of right now this is the plan, but as you all know things can change.