Emotions

This week has been a hard one for me. It always seems like I'm doing ok, but then I realize I'm really not. I'm just shoving it all inside and putting on a happy face. I'm sure that some of you who read this saw my post on Facebook Wednesday night about wanting just one day to feel like being a baby making failure wasn't being thrown in my face. Everywhere I look there are people who are going to get to be a mother and have a little baby of their own. It seems as though all anyone ever talks about is getting pregnant, being pregnant, or their kids. Sometimes I want to shout "FIND ANOTHER SUBJECT!" and I may just do that the next time I feel like I'm being bombarded. If you're the one who is on the other end, I'm not sorry. No one seems to understand completely how I feel about this subject except, perhaps, other infertile myrtles going through the exact same process.  Even then, I know that I am not alone, but most of the time it sure feels like it. I found this quote on Pinterest the other day and thought how ironic... This is so how I feel.

Today started the next step in our third IVF cycle. I started giving myself Lupron shots again. Every morning I give myself 10 units of Lupron. I am still on my birth control and will continue both until next Friday. Next Friday will be the last birth control pill. Nick and I also started take Z-paks again to kill any bacteria that could keep us from getting pregnant. It is hard to be optimistic about this cycle when we've had two that have failed, when we've had so much that has failed.

I am still gluten free and I am loving it. It is hard sometimes to figure out what we can and can't eat. We've even attempted to make some of the meals that we like gluten free. The first one, beef stroganoff, turned out really well thanks to Nick who cooked it!

Things are going well with the house building process. We have pretty much ironed out the main layout and some of the bigger things in the process. Last Monday we were back in Fort Wayne to pick out our exterior choices. When I can figure out how to get photos from my iPad to my computer wirelessly I will post some pictures. It looks like we will not be moving back to Fort Wayne until mid to late November. We are going to try to wait until we are closer to moving back to start the actual building process. We want to be closer so that we can keep an eye on the house as it goes up.

The next step in the IVF process will be a baseline ultrasound on September 12th to make sure that there are no cysts and that we are good to start the stimulation.

Decisions

This past week has been full of many life changing decisions. If you are my "friend" on Facebook you already know a few of them.

A while back I learned of an opportunity to move back home to Fort Wayne, IN. After a long process of interviews and going back and forth, I accepted a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner position with Parkview Hospital in Fort Wayne. I absolutely love my job here at Akron Children's Hospital. I love the people that I work with and the doctors I work under. The only problem is that it's not at home :(. I have told the girls that I work with that if I could pick up the hospital and the staff and move it to Fort Wayne, I would. So, it was a bittersweet decision to move back to Fort Wayne, IN.

Connected to that first decision was one about housing. We have always wanted to build a house and the time just seems right. We put down a deposit on a lot in July when we were home. We then decided that we wanted a different lot. The first lot backed up to a pond and we wouldn't be able to put up a fence for our "baby" Marley. The new lot backs up to some woods and we will be able to put up a fence. So, on Friday we signed a contract to build our home with Lancia Homes in Fort Wayne, IN. We are extremely excited to be building our dream home. We are not sure when they are going to break ground as we were trying to figure out the next decision.

We were very lucky to have insurance coverage that covers infertility processes up to $20,000 lifetime when we moved to Akron, OH. This is a rarity. We had decided to use that coverage to the best of our ability to get what we want: a baby. Because of this coverage we had to pay some money up front for each cycle and then are reimbursed from the insurance company after the cycle is over. We were recently told that we may have gone through our coverage with the two cycles that we have already done.  We were told that a big portion of the money that may have been used was from the medications as they are very expensive. The last week and a half has been spent trying to talk to the insurance company to get an idea if that was indeed that case.

Our decision was this: if we had enough insurance money to go forward with another cycle, should we given that this would take money from our house fund? If there wasn't insurance money left the decision was made for us, we couldn't do another cycle. After the week and a half, being told that they couldn't tell us the amount over the phone, they had to mail it, then them not mailing it and finally being told over the phone today that we do indeed have roughly $11,000 left of our $20,000. Medications do not count towards our limit. Since we have insurance money left, we have decided to move forward with this next cycle.

In preparation for this next cycle, I started birth control last Wednesday. Since we do not have any frozen embryos left we have to do a fresh cycle and do the stimulation part again. This cycle we are going to try something different than the first fresh cycle. I am going to be on the birth control for 2 weeks then we are going to switch to Lupron shots for two weeks and then do the stimulation for the eggs.

Another big decision that was made this past week is one that was a hard decision to make. Last Thursday I went Gluten free. It is hard to change the food lifestyle that I've been living for so long. After some reading ( a book called "Wheat Belly", thanks Ashley!) and soul searching I decided that this was something that I needed to do. I have not had any wheat or gluten since Thursday at lunch. At first my body rebelled and I had some bad cramps and was very tired and nauseous (more than normal). Starting Sunday and more into today I have felt wonderful! One of the thoughts behind this process is that I would feel better and have more energy. So far that seems to be the case. To top it off I have lost an additional 4 pounds. The weight loss is a welcome side effect for me, since it seems that my weight has been effecting things more than I thought. I am excited about the possibilities with this change in diet. Hopefully things will be different this time!

Epic Failure

So, I was right about trying not to analyze every little symptom that I was having. It doesn't pay off. I spent Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and most of Thursday sitting on my ass in the hope that the two little embryos that we put back into my uterus on Monday would somehow find there way to bury themselves into the side and we would finally be able to say "we're pregnant."  As you can tell from the title, we aren't. I've failed again. And yes I mean me. It's my problem. I'm a Failure!

I made the mistake of taking a home pregnancy test Tuesday night when I got home from work. Of course it said what it always says, "not pregnant." Why should I have expected anything other than that? That's all I ever get. Wanna talk about those symptoms? Well, here you go... I was nauseous all the time. I had even started eating saltine crackers just to get through. I had cramps. Not like period cramps either. Just small subtle ones. I had discharge, yeah I know TMI, but suck it up. It was the kind of discharge that according to the website I was on should have signaled a pregnancy. My nipples hurt. I was tired. I would sleep from 10 pm until 7:30 am,  get up, get my progesterone shot, and go back to bed until 11 or 12. Then came the not being able to sleep. I would have to get up in the middle of the night and pee and then couldn't go back to sleep. I woke up one night with my heart racing and wanting to puke.  All signs pointed toward being pregnant. LIAR!!

Of course I still had to go in and get my blood drawn at the doctors office. Pointless, I already knew the answer. Second IVF failed. Frozen transfers are supposed to have a better success rate. Someone should tell them they are wrong. I kept getting told that I should lose weight. We guess what, over the last two months I've lost 10 pounds. Didn't help did it?!

Pregnant women are everywhere. They are on everyone of my favorite television shows, there are on every commercial,   they are in every nook and cranny at work, they are at the grocery store. Well, you can all go to hell! Maybe I should go and shoot up every drug I can find, sleep around every night, not have a job and be on medicaid. Maybe then God will see fit to knock me up. Since obviously getting married, getting a masters degree and then trying to have a baby isn't they way you're supposed to do it.

We don't know what our next step is going to be. We will not be having a follow up appointment due to what happened the last time we did. I am incredibly pissed off and feel like I've been lied to for the past 2 1/2 years.