The Nightmare Continues

Never once in the last two and a half years have I wished for Aunt Flo to come with a vengeance. I do not want to miscarry this baby, however I also know that this is not a normal pregnancy. I know that this baby was and is not meant to be, but it kills me to know that we finally were able to get pregnant and I don't get to bring home a baby. I kept saying that all I wanted was to see the "pregnant" on a home pregnancy test. Perhaps I've been aiming too low. I guess I should be wishing for the baby at the end. That wish has always been there and been the final end, but I knew that we had to get through one step at a time. Well, this is just a cruel joke.

Last Monday (the 14th), our Hcg level was 15. We were told to stop our medications and I would miscarry, AF would come and the numbers would go down. I went back Thursday (the 17th) after work for another level. The level didn't come back until Friday morning. I got a page at work telling me that the labs were back. The level didn't go down like it was supposed to, it went up. It went up to 44. I was told that I needed to come into the office immediately. I had to leave work to go. We finally were able to get in for the appointment at 3:30 Friday afternoon. We couldn't see Dr. Moretuzzo since he wasn't in the office on Friday. We got to see Dr. Nash. He did an ultrasound. I should mention here that Thursday I started to have some spotting. Friday morning AF started in full force. I was having more than my normal period so I thought we were on our way to the end of this. So the ultrasound.... my uterine lining was thin and I had some cysts on my left ovary, which I was told was ok. There was no evidence of a baby. We were told about how normal Hcg levels are supposed to go (start lower, then increase at a doubling rate), how abnormal levels go (start at a normal level and then drop and continue to drop), and how the Hcg levels go in an ectopic pregnancy ( up and down and up and down). They wanted to see me so urgently because Dr. Nash thought I may be having an ectopic pregnancy. We got more blood drawn for another level to see if it had gone down. Once again the level wasn't drawn until late in the day and we didn't get results until Saturday. Finally the number had gone down like it was supposed to. Down to 30. I was happy. I thought that maybe we would be able to get on with this and we could find out what was next.

Then AF stopped. I have only had spotting since Sunday. We had another appointment today. I was able to see Dr. Moretuzzo this time. This appointment included another ultrasound. Once again he commented that my lining was thin and there were cysts on my left ovary. There was no evidence of any free fluid or that this was an ectopic pregnancy. Prior to leaving the room, Dr. M said that it looked like this should just resolve on its own and we shouldn't have to do anything surgical. He said we would just follow the Hcg levels until they reached 0. Well, I had more blood drawn for another level. This time the level came back the same day. Instead of continuing to go down like its supposed to, it went up. This time the level was 109. I was pissed. This was supposed to be over. I was supposed to be able to move on, to figure out why this happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately this is not the end of this nightmare. I have to go back on Wednesday for another lab draw (hcg level). Then on Thursday we get to meet with Dr. Moretuzzo and hopefully get some answers.

I am struggling. I cry every night and by day try to be happy and normal. I have finally stopped answering the everyday question of "how are you doing" or "are you ok?" with "I'm ok." If you ask me the question, be prepared for an honest answer. I am not ok. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and can't get myself out of it. I want this to be over so that we can move on and try again. Nothing ever seems to go right for us and apparently that includes miscarrying. We can't even do that right. The only thing keeping me sane is this:

For those who don't know, this is my fur baby, Marley. I love him to death. He knows when I am sad and need comforting. As I write this post he is on the couch right next to me. He is my rock, along with Nick. I will be alright in the end, but right now I'm not.