Third Time's a charm... or not...

I am sorry that I kept everyone in suspense, but I needed to have all the answers before I posted.

I was right. This cycle was different from the previous cycles. Throughout the days following the transfer I noticed that I felt different. Saturday October 5th I felt a pain in my left side and thought ok, here we go!  I had some cramps after that and felt good. Once again I tried not to analyze every "symptom" that I had. I felt queasy. I was having mild cramps. My breasts were getting bigger. (I know, TMI). Monday the 7th and Tuesday the 8th I had some light bleeding which I thought for sure was implantation bleeding.  I felt for sure that this cycle was different. With our previous ART cycles I couldn't resist taking a home pregnancy test before my blood test. Each and every time I was greeted with a "not pregnant" which was back up by the blood test. This time I kept myself from testing at home. Thursday October 10th we went in for our blood test. When we got home I took that home test... once again "not pregnant."  

We've been packing to move home, so I took a box and packed up all my left over medications. I thought ok it's over. Another round failed. I failed again. Little did I know what was in store for us.  We received a phone call from Michelle, the IVF nurse at the office. No great announcement "your pregnant," but a
"Well, we got a number." You see, when you have a blood test, they are test your HCG level. This level is supposed to double in 48-72 hours. On the day of your blood test (the day AF is supposed to come) the level should be around 50.  Anything above 5 is considered "Pregnant."  Well, mine was 7.

A number this low does not bode well for the pregnancy. It usually means what is called a "Chemical Pregnancy."  or an early miscarriage. It means that the embryo implanted in the uterine wall, but something is wrong. There have been times when a level this low just means that the embryo implanted later than it should have and the numbers just need more time to rise. So I dug my medications out of the box and stayed on my twice a day estrogen and Progesterone shots and cried for two days knowing this was all coming to an end.

The morning of October 12, I decided that I would take another home test just to see if the level rose enough to trigger the test. Then I would know if the level rose at all. I thought that the level would be at least above 50 since I did indeed get a "Pregnant" on the test. See...

Finally, I got my "pregnant." Well, the excitement was short lived.  I went in for another blood test Saturday, October 12 and patiently waited for my phone call. That call came about 12:30.  My level did rise, just not as much as I thought it did. This level was 11. Once again I was told that with levels like this, the pregnancies don't usually turn out well. How did the test pick up an HCG level that low? Well, apparently this particular test can turn positive up to 4 days before your period. Right about the time the HCG levels would be around 11. I was told to continue my medications and retest on Monday October 14th. 

Sunday I continued to feel pregnant. I was nauseated, tired, and my breasts hurt. Monday morning came and it was all gone. I felt like I wasn't pregnant anymore. There was no bloated feeling, I wasn't nauseated. Monday the 14th came around and we went in for the blood draw. Again, we patiently waited for the phone call. My HCG was 15. I will be stopping the progesterone and estrogen today. 

So, I am going to miscarry this baby, my dream. I am frustrated, devastated, and pissed off. I am done. I am done hoping or dreaming for anything. Nothing ever turns out right. All I've ever wanted is to be a mom. Now it seems like that is never going to happen. I feel like I am on an eternal roller coaster ride. One that never lets me off. 

They are going to continue to watch my HCG levels until they return to 0. Then all trace of the baby will be gone and we can start trying again. Well technically I think we are supposed to wait a couple of cycles.  We will have our follow up meeting with Dr. M on October 24th.  I have been doing a lot of research on the topic of chemical pregnancies. I have a lot of questions for him.  Hopefully we will get some answers. 

We still have 6 embabies that are frozen here in Akron. When we move back to Indiana, get settled, and are ready to start this process again they will be transferred to their new home in Indianapolis. It's been a long 2 1/2 years already, what another 6 months to a year, right?