6 weeks of Disappointment...

I don't even know where to start this post. We should have been 6 weeks pregnant on Thursday. We should have been seeing our baby's heartbeat. Instead no heartbeat, no sign that there ever was or is a baby. Last week when we saw Dr. Nash he told us that there were three options available to us if this abnormal pregnancy didn't end itself; Methotrexate, D&C, or laparoscopy. We were hoping that we wouldn't have to go down any of those routes.

Wednesday, I went in for my hCG draw. When I went in they didn't even have me on the schedule, so I had to wait for a little bit until they got things squared away. When Kim called me back to draw my blood she mentioned that we had extra tubes to draw this time. They were drawing the labs necessary in case we decided that it was time to move on in this scenario. They drew a complete blood count to check my hemoglobin and liver enzymes. These are labs necessary if we were going to do the Methotrexate. When my labs came back we weren't surprised. My hCG went up again. This time it went to 184. I knew it was going to go up since I have been bleeding. My  CBC was ok, but my liver enzymes were slightly elevated. 

Thursday Nick and I went in to meet with Dr. Moretuzzo. This meeting was originally supposed to be our follow up meeting after this IVF. It turned into just another appointment. I had another ultrasound which actually showed that my lining was thicker and that I had cysts on both ovaries. The cysts are normal after an IVF. There was no hint of a baby. We talked to Dr. Moretuzzo after that ultrasound about what was next. He said that most of the time this happens because of chromosomal issues. There are other things that could be happening as well. A couple of those things can mimic autoimmune disorders. So, Nick and I both had our blood drawn for chromosomes to see if there is anything coming from us. I also had blood drawn to check for those things that mimic autoimmune disorders. All of these tests will take a while to come back. I also had more blood drawn to check my liver enzymes. Thursday afternoon my labs came back. My hCG went up again (surprise, surprise) to 232. My liver enzymes were normal. Dr. Moretuzzo told us that we should proceed with the Methotrexate. 

Friday morning we went into the office. As we were sitting in the waiting room some lady walked in with her baby. Talk about a punch in the gut. Here I am losing my dream and it gets shoved in my face again. We finally got called back to the room. The nurse that called us back was way too bubbly. She was so happy. When she came back in the room with the consent, Nick and I were both crying. She asked if we were ok. I said no and she asked if it was the shot.  COME ON! really???  We have every right to be upset! I am losing my baby! A little more decorum would have been nice! 

Dr. Massellah, one of the other doctors in the practice, came in and talked to us about the Methotrexate. Then the nurse brought in the shots. Because it was so big I had to get two shots in my butt. The Methotrexate starts the process of causing the miscarriage. We were told that it could take a week to a month for my hCG level to completely go back to 0. Some people have bleeding as the level is dropping and some people don't' bleed until the level is all the way down to 0. I go back on Monday for another hCG draw. 

Today I started having some spotting. While I know that this is the goal, I still can't stand that it. I feel like we killed our baby. I know that isn't completely true and that this baby wasn't developing like it should but I am losing a part of me. I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of things, but it is always there.